Finding a Rhythm

I read a post from Propter Doc today about working from home:  http://propterdoc.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/academiology-working-at-home.html.  It coincided with my own thoughts.  Conflicting thoughts that I've had for the past three years.  Yes, three years!!!!

I used to have a career with set hours.  I got up early and went to work 8-4:30 Monday through Friday.  Whenever I worked overtime, I arrived early, stayed late, or showed up on Saturday.  The schedule worked great for me because I compartmentalized my life.  I knew that when I left the office I was done with work.  It was the type of government job that does not permit you to take files outside the building.  So, I worked extremely hard when I was in the office, and physically left the job at the end of the day.  Sometimes, I emotionally clung to particular cases, but really I could turn the job off when I drove out of the parking lot.

When I returned to school full time, and lost my nice little cubicle space, I lost that ability to leave work at work.  In grad school, I had a desk in an office shared with over twenty other people.  And it worked.  I usually went into the office around 4:30-5am every day--before anyone got in.  Sometimes, I even stayed as late as 9 or 10pm.  And even though I still worked hard, my work was never done.  There was always something to do . . . and yet, it never seemed as though my work was focused.  I constantly put out fires and only did what was in front of me.  Often, I put off my own research in order to teach and please others.  When I got home, all I wanted was a sanctuary.  So I faced a constant battle of doing work or relaxing.  I felt guilty if I wasn't working, and I developed a terrible habit of working in front of the TV.  Never quite enjoying a show because it was background noise.

And then I completed my fellowship year in Europe.  I hopped on public transportation at 8am, worked in the archive from 10-5, and then hopped back on the bus and train and got home at 7pm or after.  I ate dinner and relaxed for the night--watching TV or reading for those 2-3 hours before sleep.  I loved it.  I worked half a day almost every Saturday and Sunday.  There were a few months where I only took one day off.  (I would not advise this of course as it's pretty stressful.  I went out with a guy one Saturday and had not taken the time to decompress.  I was really lucky that he was such an understanding person and forgave me for being so scattered and short-sighted!!)

Coming home to the States though, I lost my mojo.  I don't know if I OD'd on work or what, but I have a problem concentrating and getting work done.  I have problems working in my office--I get too twitchy.  I can't work at home because all I want to do is watch TV, clean, or sleep. 

I used to work really well in coffee shops.  But I think that London spoiled me for American shops.  I can't find a comfortable library to sit in.  I think the chilly rooms and small cubby holes of the Senate House Library and the somewhat focused atmosphere of the British Library (because let's face it, the BL isn't what it used to be) spoiled me for the unfocused atmosphere of Starbucks and American university libraries.

So, I ask myself, how can  I discipline myself to work?  When I'm home, I want to relax and try to enjoy some personal hobbies.  When I am at work, I find myself doing anything but my own research. 

Since May, I have moved to another town, and this semester, I have promised myself that I will not go to campus on the days that I do not teach.  I think that the gods heard my prayers because I have seven coffee shops within walking distance and another within an easy drive.  Each has a different vibe and depending on my mood, or coffee preferences, I can have a good work session. 

The one that I especially like is quite cozy--kitchen tables and wooden chairs of various shapes and sizes; a small living room set up; lots of art; black and white tile flooring; and a nice mellow green accent throughout.  Good coffee and a nice selection of teas.  Best of all is the quite clientele.  It still has that white noise background, but almost everyone who comes in is focused on work or having quiet conversations.  Gosh, it is sweet!  I can sit for hours and concentrate--not even realizing that the time is passing, and when I walk home, I feel like I have accomplished something productive.  Even if it is as little as doing some edits on paper or reading a chapter.

My guilt, and accompanying anxiety, as slightly decreased.  Dare I say that I am starting to find my rhythm . . . as shaky as it is?

One of my kitties and I working at home.  Here he woke up just long enough for the picture.

Longing for London

My fellowship year in England was hard for me in many ways because I felt isolated from people.  I also lived in a part of the country that was not so nice.  Very industrial and English men and women who didn't like anyone foreign.  But in many ways, it was the best experience of my life--especially when I lived in London. 

There is something so special about walking those streets, strolling through the park, and then stopping for a cup of tea or a cappuccino at Cafe Nero or Costa Coffee.  I did a lot of writing in those coffee shops, and even though it was mentally straining, I was inspired in those shops.  I'm not sure why, but I was.

Even though I felt like an outsider, I also felt at home.  I was able to dedicate myself to my work.  I was more reflective, more dedicated, more everything it seems.

And I need to get back to that place mentally.  As I sit in my basement apartment, banging my head about how much in debt I am, how frustrated I am about my job and my inability to think clearly to write, all I want to do is figure out a way to get that year back.  To be free to be me.  To be hopeful for my future.

A Second Chance

Eesh.  Almost six months since I first created this blog.  Needless to say, it was a difficult semester.  While better than my first semester of teaching a 4/4, this one also had its trials and tribulations.  I did not realize the growing pains that I would experience of going from being a graduate student teaching my own stand alone courses to a full-time adjunct instructor cycling through 300 first-year undergraduates and 3 TAs per semester. 

I have tried all year to finish my dissertation.  It was supposed to be done last August, and I have made very little headway on it this year.  Very disturbing for me as two people on my committee have said that I will not finish because they have "seen the writing on the wall."  Even though I categorically reject these words, I have felt like a complete loser and incapable of continuing in academia.

Something has changed though in the last few weeks.  I have become hopeful again.  Focused.  Still a freak in the head when I am writing, but definitely feeling that I can do this and get my dissertation submitted this summer--even while I am teaching.

To that end, I have joined a writing group--http://dameeleanorhull.wordpress.com/.  I have belonged to a group all year, yet the dynamics of it did not really sink in.  I wanted, and needed, the accountability that it gave.  Yet, I tended to bemoan my life and feel jealousy for those who actually achieved something.  This summer, I am embracing the schedule and community. 

I have also joined another group--http://what-was-i-doing.blogspot.com/.  Jane B's group is helping me to prioritize my activities--moving house, teaching, writing, and even getting healthy.  My overall goals for the summer are to really:

1) take care of myself physically and mentally.  This comes down to embracing the fact that I am not a bad person--just a flawed one, like everyone else.  If I am willing to generally accept others flaws, then I need to cut myself some slack.
2) reorganize my course so that I feel comfortable teaching it
3) stop procrastinating by becoming more confident in my ability to write and teach

Taking Off

Several times I have thought about blogging.  When I lived oversees, I actually started one so that I could document my adventures.  Unfortunately, I was so obsessed with archival research that I stopped after just one post, unable to put the energy into it.

I follow several different kinds of blogs--fashion, travel, fitness, history, academic.  But what drives me?  Where does my passion lie?  After much thought, I have decided to blog about what consumes most of my life--history.  I teach history. I research history.  I live in history that is made everyday.  So, I want to talk about my adventures in teaching, reading, researching, and struggling to understand my own place in world history. 

I am unsure how often I will post, but I am aiming for at least once a week.