Longing for London

My fellowship year in England was hard for me in many ways because I felt isolated from people.  I also lived in a part of the country that was not so nice.  Very industrial and English men and women who didn't like anyone foreign.  But in many ways, it was the best experience of my life--especially when I lived in London. 

There is something so special about walking those streets, strolling through the park, and then stopping for a cup of tea or a cappuccino at Cafe Nero or Costa Coffee.  I did a lot of writing in those coffee shops, and even though it was mentally straining, I was inspired in those shops.  I'm not sure why, but I was.

Even though I felt like an outsider, I also felt at home.  I was able to dedicate myself to my work.  I was more reflective, more dedicated, more everything it seems.

And I need to get back to that place mentally.  As I sit in my basement apartment, banging my head about how much in debt I am, how frustrated I am about my job and my inability to think clearly to write, all I want to do is figure out a way to get that year back.  To be free to be me.  To be hopeful for my future.

A Second Chance

Eesh.  Almost six months since I first created this blog.  Needless to say, it was a difficult semester.  While better than my first semester of teaching a 4/4, this one also had its trials and tribulations.  I did not realize the growing pains that I would experience of going from being a graduate student teaching my own stand alone courses to a full-time adjunct instructor cycling through 300 first-year undergraduates and 3 TAs per semester. 

I have tried all year to finish my dissertation.  It was supposed to be done last August, and I have made very little headway on it this year.  Very disturbing for me as two people on my committee have said that I will not finish because they have "seen the writing on the wall."  Even though I categorically reject these words, I have felt like a complete loser and incapable of continuing in academia.

Something has changed though in the last few weeks.  I have become hopeful again.  Focused.  Still a freak in the head when I am writing, but definitely feeling that I can do this and get my dissertation submitted this summer--even while I am teaching.

To that end, I have joined a writing group--http://dameeleanorhull.wordpress.com/.  I have belonged to a group all year, yet the dynamics of it did not really sink in.  I wanted, and needed, the accountability that it gave.  Yet, I tended to bemoan my life and feel jealousy for those who actually achieved something.  This summer, I am embracing the schedule and community. 

I have also joined another group--http://what-was-i-doing.blogspot.com/.  Jane B's group is helping me to prioritize my activities--moving house, teaching, writing, and even getting healthy.  My overall goals for the summer are to really:

1) take care of myself physically and mentally.  This comes down to embracing the fact that I am not a bad person--just a flawed one, like everyone else.  If I am willing to generally accept others flaws, then I need to cut myself some slack.
2) reorganize my course so that I feel comfortable teaching it
3) stop procrastinating by becoming more confident in my ability to write and teach

Taking Off

Several times I have thought about blogging.  When I lived oversees, I actually started one so that I could document my adventures.  Unfortunately, I was so obsessed with archival research that I stopped after just one post, unable to put the energy into it.

I follow several different kinds of blogs--fashion, travel, fitness, history, academic.  But what drives me?  Where does my passion lie?  After much thought, I have decided to blog about what consumes most of my life--history.  I teach history. I research history.  I live in history that is made everyday.  So, I want to talk about my adventures in teaching, reading, researching, and struggling to understand my own place in world history. 

I am unsure how often I will post, but I am aiming for at least once a week.